Sex-Positive Social Work by SJ Dodd

Author:SJ Dodd
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Columbia University Press

ACTIVITY

YES

NO

MAYBE

Skinny-dipping

Sexting

Making videos

Anal play

Watching porn

Blindfolds or gags

Cock rings

Spanking

Wooden paddles

Whips

Handcuffs

Food play

Ice play

Oral sex

Lingerie

Foot play

Outdoor sex

Group sex

FOCUSING ON THE POSITIVES

Positive communication sets the tone for positive relationships. As Jennifer Rosier and James Tyler point out, “frequent, loving communication in romantic relationships is important.”37 Negative communication has a damaging effect and can destroy a relationship. Gottman studied couples’ communication patterns to predict the extent to which relationships would last and which would not.38 One of the key characteristics he identified in couples with relationship longevity was a certain ratio: five positive statements to every negative statement.

If you are working with two people who tend to be negative and focus on the faults of their partner, work with them to identify this pattern, explore how they feel about giving and receiving negative statements, and then work with them to shift their focus to the positive. Often, people think positive thoughts but do not voice them, while they’re quick to voice negative thoughts.

Eric (age thirty-one) and Jamal (age thirty-five) visit you at your office. They have been dating for eighteen months and recently moved in together. The initial excitement of living together has faded more quickly than either of them expected, and they are stuck in a negative spiral. Neither of them lived with a partner before, and both have unrealistic expectations about how they will cohabit. Listening to them address each other, you can quickly identify the negative pattern in their interactions. They are focused on the habits that annoy each other, which include leaving smelly shoes in the living room, not emptying the trash, “tidying” things away so they can’t be found, and being so focused on television or video games that they don’t respond to the other’s questions or requests. When they visited each other’s apartments, they could overlook minor annoyances because they were temporary and it was the other person’s space. Now that they share a space, there is nowhere to go to escape. Symbolically, moving in together may also add a dimension of pressure to the relationship and feelings that it has to succeed.

Understanding these different dimensions and using Gottman’s predictors of longevity in relationships,39 you can help Eric and Jamal get back in touch with each other’s positive attributes and the positive aspects of their relationship that made them make this commitment. You might also encourage them to change the tone of their interactions and monitor their ratio of criticisms to affirmations. For example, Jamal’s shifting from complaining about Eric’s towel being on the floor to saying how much he appreciates Eric’s smile or how excited he is to wake up with him every day can help them put their relationship back on track. Their improved communication should increase feelings of closeness and intimacy.

Along with Gottman’s positive statements, there are other ways to stabilize and secure relationships. Tatkin recommends answering security questions immediately, with no pause at all.40 For example, if a partner asks, “Do you love me?” the answer should be a quick and emphatic “Yes! Absolutely!” Or if

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